Conqueror’s Tales: Teutonic Toilets

It goes by many names. Privy, loo, water closet, latrine, toilet—-whatever you call it, this ingenious personal hygiene invention revolutionised the world and made things smell a bit nicer, too. 

The Teutonic Knights definitely subscribed to this new sewage system, and the most important Teutonic castle in Poland, Malbork Castle, houses Europe’s longest toilet. 

A Royal Flush

Medieval toilets were primitive yet effective, and privacy and practicality were both considered when building a proper privy. In fact, due to how latrines protrude from the walls, they are one of the most prominent features of medieval castles. The toilets of any given castle were usually built into the walls so that waste could fall below into the moat or river. Corfe Castle in Dorset, England had latrine shafts that emptied directly into the courtyard—quite unfortunate for the residents there.

Inside, the toilet was generally set back in a recess and often didn’t include a door. Sometimes toilets came in twos, and the pair of potties were separated by a wall, sharing the same waste shaft. The toilet seat itself was usually a wooden bench covering a hole in the surrounding brick. Choices of toilet paper included grass, hay, and moss—not a 4-ply roll of Andrex in sight! 

Cleaning the toilet comprised of throwing a bucket of water down the shaft to clear it out, or diverting rainwater down the latrine shaft through gutters. While the latrines were technically being ‘cleaned’, they still likely reeked. King Henry III spoke of the smell in a letter to a castle constable, while demanding a refit of the toilets in the Tower of London: 

Spending a Penny in Steel

Now we know just where the knights’ toilets were located, the next revelation is just how they visited the latrine in all that heavy armour. A full set of armour might be difficult to figure out when it comes to shedding all that heavy metal and relieving yourself. However, suits of armour generally didn’t include a metal plate covering the knights’ unmentionables and were instead protected by metal skirts. While this may seem like it was then easy to disrobe and spend a penny, the clothing didn’t stop there. Beneath the skirt would be cotton leggings to prevent chafing and a belt to suspend the steel leg plates. Wearing all this heavy and complicated gear might have meant needing the assistance of a squire so the knight could do his business in comfort. 

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