Sixteen Days As A Conqueror’s Blade Warlord

First Day As A Conqueror’s Blade Warlord

I have my Cavalry Units tie branches to their horses’ tails to stir up dust and make it look like there’s a lot of us but I forget it just rained so there isn’t any dust and the enemy can clearly see there’s like twenty of us all spread out in a Line Formation

Second Day As A Conqueror’s Blade Warlord

I bribe a bunch of players to start spamming a copypasta in the Global Chat I carefully crafted to spread misinformation and further my strategic ends but they change the words to be about the Maul and the enemy isn’t misdirected at all

Third Day As A Conqueror’s Blade Warlord

I lure my enemy into a narrow valley during a Field Battle and send an Archer Unit to shoot them from the high ground but there was a feral dog (must be a Houndsman nearby) napping on the trail up and they couldn’t decide whether to try and shoot it or just go around and by the time the dog woke up and left on its own the enemy had already passed safely below

Fourth Day As A Conqueror’s Blade Warlord

We attempt to join a Siege Battle on the side of the player we want to ally with but he and the guy he’s fighting have really similar usernames and it’s finally dusty and I misread the standards and attack the wrong guy. So now we’re stuck with this total loser of a liege lord, because how do you explain that after a battle?

Fifth Day As A Conqueror’s Blade Warlord

And some sort of apothecary wanders into my Field Camp, my loser liege lord wants to duel him for being an NPC but I convince him to let the apothecary stay, because I want to do more weather-based strategies and I’m pretty sure having a camp apothecary can help with that. After the welcome to the team meeting, the apothecary steals half of my Sovereigns, DMs my liege lord’s wife and leaves

Sixth Day As A Conqueror’s Blade Warlord

My loser liege lord sends me to reinforce a fief he’s taken, but in the confusion of leaving I forgot to take the Migration Token that would have gotten us into the fief, so my Units have to wait outside the fief for like eight hours while I ride back to get it

Seventh Day As A Conqueror’s Blade Warlord

And my loser liege lord finally joins me in the Conqueror’s City, it turns out he’s actually a pretty cool guy, and he isn’t even that mad at me for letting the apothecary steal his wife. I decide to shoot my shot but I’m really nervous and keep on stalling because what if I mess up our relationship and by extension jeopardise the security of my House, and eventually he just says goodnight and goes AFK, where a Dual Blades player is in the process of setting up to duel him

Eighth Day As A Conqueror’s Blade Warlord

And my loser liege lord tells me to fake-defect to his rival Warlord, the one I originally wanted to ally with, to find out if he was the one who sent the Dual Blades player and why but my whole way over to the rival Warlord I’m worried that this has something to do with the apothecary thing or how awkward I made it last night

Ninth Day As A Conqueror’s Blade Warlord

I try to tactfully ask my fake liege lord if he sent the Dual Blades guy to duel my loser liege lord and it turns out the idea of using assassins never occurred to him, but now that I’ve suggested it he’s really into it. In order to save my loser liege lord I volunteer to be the one to challenge him to a duel

Tenth Day As A Conqueror’s Blade Warlord

On my way back to my loser liege lord’s city I realise I won’t be able to collect my Units from my fake liege lord until I bring back a screenshot of my loser liege lord dead. This would have been a great thing to think of before I got myself in this situation. I go back to my loser liege lord and ask him to rescue my Units, and he tells me that if he could sack my fake liege lord’s Field Camp he already would have. That doesn’t change the fact that my Units are still trapped. They’re prisoners, even. I go AFK to sulk

Eleventh Day As A Conqueror’s Blade Warlord

Someone in my loser liege lord’s chat is pretending to be a caged pigeon that belonged to the Dual Blades player. Without asking permission or telling my loser liege lord goodbye, I tell the pigeon roleplayer it is now free and follow it north. Don’t ask what I was doing on my loser liege lord’s account. It’s not important

Twelfth Day As A Conqueror’s Blade Warlord

I disguise myself as an apothecary NPC and enter the Field Camp of the player the pigeon guy led me to. In the middle of my little sleight of hand performance, I make eye contact with the player’s friend. IT’S THE APOTHECARY THAT STOLE MY LOSER LIEGE LORD’S WIFE. After I emote and pretend to drink some mead, I corner the fake apothecary and ask him what is going on and he says “it’s just not your day, is it?” and leaves. I don’t know what to say to that so I just let him go

Thirteenth Day As A Conqueror’s Blade Warlord

I’m honestly so sick of not knowing what’s going on, so I adjust my apothecary NPC Attire to passably disguise myself as a female NPC and break into a women's-only server, where sure enough my loser liege lord’s wife is. I ask her what she’s doing here and she tells me the fake apothecary saw her post the copypasta, not knowing it contains the enemy player’s formation’s weaknesses. The fake apothecary kidnapped her and assigned an assassin to duel her husband before they figured out the copypasta’s significance. She shares the first line with me but I’m discovered and thrown out before she can share any more. She doesn’t need to. Through a bizarre coincidence of homophones, it’s the Maul version of my misinformation copypasta

Fourteenth Day As A Conqueror’s Blade Warlord

I go back to my loser liege lord and tell him everything, urging him to join with my fake liege lord to attack the player according to the weaknesses in the copypasta. He tells me frankly that he doesn’t trust me anymore. I ask him to challenge me to a duel if that’s really true, because I can’t bear to live if i can’t protect him and I can’t protect my Units. He agrees to attack the player

Fifteenth Day As A Conqueror’s Blade Warlord

Due to the information in the copypasta, and thanks to my loser liege lord reminding me of the weather conditions multiple times while planning our battle strategy, our House carries the day. My loser liege lord gets his wife back. My Units tell me that our fake liege lord actually treated them really well and they’d like to stay with him if I don’t mind. I do mind, now that neither the Units I love nor the player I love have any use for me, but I don’t tell them that

Sixteenth Day As A Conqueror’s Blade Warlord

I’m preparing to log off, to I don’t know where, maybe to try to become an apothecary for real, when my loser liege lord stops me and asks me where I’m going. He says he had hoped I would continue to play as his Seneschal. I was unaware I was his Seneschal in the first place. I agree, and he tells me he’s truly honoured to have me in his service at last. He has known I am a rare and talented man with a strategic intelligence far above his ever since the day he witnessed me tying branches to my Cavalry Units horses’ tails, and could not for the life of him figure out why

We hope you enjoyed this special feature inspired by the Tumblr post by romanceyourdemons and the AI-voiced video below (NSFW):

Happy April Fool’s Day!